Constant Criticism – how to handle ?
One-year ago my BF moved into house I aleady owned.
House was a little cluttered as I had not fully moved in myself and had lots of boxes not yet unpacked in the garage and a spare bedroom. In addition I had not fully furnished place yet and am still lacking some storage to put away all my stuff.
He is constantly aggravated and critical about how “messy” I am and just wants me to get rid of my “stuff”. I keep the place presentable but sometimes get behind on housework (like putting all the laundry away) because I am also working on projects. (Cleaning out garage, building IKEA furniture to improve storage situation etc). He claims he can not help me do anything because “i won’t let him throw anything away”.
When he does help me clean he will say “where did you get this ugly painting — you don’t want to keep this do you”. Often these will be things that I love and carefully picked out for my home! I usually agree to sell or get rid of, but once in awhile I really like something and defend it and he goes crazy (for example I had a frosted-glass oval platter that I often used to hold appetizers for parties — he hated it and it was completely inocuous — not flowered or anything!)
I work full-time, have the responsibility of being the “breadwinner”, and just had a baby 7 weeks ago. I feel like I am stretched to the limit and need to be cleaning 24/7 to please him. I need some downtime on the weekends too…..
When he nags me about the garage, I point out that I least I keep on top of the dishes and laudry and then he says to let him do the laundry and dishes so I can FINALLY get the garage done. Problem is he does not then do those things – I would have to ask him “can you do the dishes so I can work on the garage”. He wants me just to throw away everything in boxes since “I have not used it this year”. Well I have camping equipment, sentimental items etc in boxes so I want to sort them out etc…. (this is why I must clean because he said he would just toss all my “junk”).
So I spend two full days on the garage and get it clean giving much of my stuff to the goodwill in the process, and all I hear is why aren’t the towels clean, why did you leave these books on the table etc….
I feel like I’m in continual “what have you done lately” land. I always admit I’m not the neatest person, but If I point out areas of improvement i.e. keeping up with dishes he says “what do you want a gold medal?”.
Why can’t he accept that this is an ongoing project instead of nagging me weekly? When he keeps saying “this place is a mess” it makes me feel horrible because I am doing the best that I can and don’t feel that he needs to keep reminding me since I have acknowledged the mess and I always making effort to improve.
I should also point out that he leaves his shoes everywhere, magazines on bathroom floor, dirty glasses around the house, jackets on backs of chairs etc. But if I ever defend myself by pointing out his flaws he says “yes but at least I am TRYING to be neat”. As though I am trying “not to be neat”???
He actually said “i don’t know why you don’t want to be organized”.
Blunt: Thanks for the totally nasty response and Congrats on your totally anal-retentive OCD life. When you are dead I am sure people will comment on your spotless home. And if you have a slow death I am sure you will regret all the hours not spent cleaning. Anyway. I have worked hard my whole life. Put myself through college working full time and now have a job that eats 12 hours of my life each day but pays the mortgage and bought me a little convertible that I like to drive on my downtime. Prior to BF one weekend day would be for fun and one for work. Now he wants me to spend my weekends working? He has job, but it is my income that supports us (3x his salary). And he is OCD. I am not a compulsive hoarder, I just have not been able to fully unpack given, my job, being pregnant, and wanting to travel some before the baby was born. Going to Europe and Hawaii has enriched my life more than sparkling faucets ever will. My house is clean, but I am not in a cleanliness competition.